i am pleased to announce that today i received a "final" written warning. i love my job.

what part of DO NOT USE confounded you?

There's a busted carriage sitting off to the side of the other carriages that has a piece of paper taped to the handle. In big, bold letters it says DO NOT USE. So what happens? Some broad and her demon spawn ask me if they can use it.

the late night cougar.

There was this lady about a year ago, when I was still in school and working nights, that used to come in every thursday or friday night. She'd be my last guest of the night, and she'd always have at least $800 worth of housewares. The first time she came in she spent about two grand. She'd put it all on her debit card too...so sketchy. She used to buy everything in pink. I think she was a stripper, or something...except she was at least 45. She had long bleach blonde hair, revealing clothing for her age, sunglasses, a big crown victoria (one night I saw her out in the parking lot jamming stuff inside it), and all I know is she had recently gotten divorced. The next day or so afterward, she would come back in and return half the stuff she bought the night before.

An elderly lady walks up to me and says she forgot to use a coupon. I ask her for her receipt and the coupon. She hands them both to me, but the barcode for the coupon is missing. So I ask her where the other piece is. She looks at me dumbfounded and says "There's supposed to be a barcode?" I show her the part of the coupon where the rest of it used to be. To which she replies "That was dumb of me. I didn't know you need that part." So I apply the coupon anyway before it turns into her not going away until something is done. So I hand her back her receipts and the dollar. As she puts the receipts away she asks "Are you going to give me a dollar?" I says "I did, it's in your hand."

Two Geniuses Walk Up To The Counter..

Genius #1(pointing to a line on a gift registry): What does online only mean?

Me (wondering if I looked up moron in a dictionary if I would see this person's picture): It means the item cannot be bought in stores. It can only be bought from our website.

Genius #2: Are You serious?

Me: Yes.

Genius #2: Then I would have to pay shipping/handling and all that?

Me: Yes

Genius #2: That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.

Really? Then apparently you didn't hear you daughter ask me what online only means.

so i'm ringing these items up for this woman as she's loading the rest of her items onto the belt. suddenly i hear what sounds like a gunshot coming from my belt. i quickly turn to look and the 2 liter bottle of diet coke that was on the belt had fallen off (later i would find out from video tapes that it fell cap first) and exploded with such force that it was circling around the floor and then it sky-rocketed and hit the wall of the front of our store (and nearly hit the ceiling) and fell down dead. i broke out laughing and called someone over to grab cleaning supplies.
the mess was huge, but it made my day. only one person got hit with soda and she was pissed off. she acted like the woman in my line knocked the soda off the belt on purpose and returned all of her items because we wouldn't give her a refund for her bags getting slightly wet.

we work with alot of emotionally unstable people.....should we all really be wearing tiny bullseyes on our chests? seems like asking for trouble.

Your "perfect" children.

This guy came through my line with his two sons. They had a ton of stuff. I'm taking the hangs off the pajamas, and one of the kids jumps up and sits on the bagging area counter. I said, "Can you get down please? Thanks. It's not safe for you to sit there, you could fall and get hurt, and Target would get in trouble." The kid gets down, I keep doing my shit. A few minutes later, he gets back up, I said, "I thought I asked you not to sit there." Apparently this was offensive. The guy said, "you have bad customer service, we're just going to leave. C'mon kids." I was like...HUH? He repeated it. I said, "WHAT, BECAUSE YOUR PERFECT KIDS ARE OBNOXIOUS? I'M DOING MY JOB AND THAT INCLUDES MAKING SURE THEY'RE SAFE." Jackass. I should have let your precious Johnny smash his face on the tile floor and break his nose...and I would have said, "well, you should have listened to me, Jackass."

Later I told my supervisor, and all she said was, "sometimes people are sensitive about that issue."

Why can't I find it?

Customer: I was online looking at some stuff and I came here to buy it, but can find anything.

Me: Ok, let's check the computer.

Checks online

Me: It's on online item only.

Customer: How do you know?

Me: Because it says online item only.

Customer: where?

Me: Right there.

i was headed to do something at a somewhat hurried pace when i was stopped.

-can i ask you one quick question?
-sure.
-do you know what a dust ruffle is?
-yes, yes i do.

at wich point i smiled and walked off to finish whatever the hell it was i was doing.

The next thing they'll ask me for is world peace

Woman: I want some of the concentrated Lysol and you don't have any. Could you order some for me?

Me: Sorry, I can't.

Woman: Why not?

Me: Because we don't do that.

Now I really wanted to say because we are a discount retail chain, not a mail order company.

Another woman: I bought this DVD and another one but forgot to use my coupon and I don't have a receipt.

Me: I need the receipt and coupons are only supposed to be used on the same day.

Another woman: What am I supposed to do?

Me: Sorry, that's the policy.

What I really wanted to say was there were a million things you could have done. Like pay attention to the fact there was a coupon the day you bought it. Come back the same day and not waited around until after you had already given the dvd to the kid. Yeah, there's lots you could have done. None of which involved making this my problem.

a woman asked me if we had a womans restroom and i was so tempted to say no we just have a mens room

youd think youd know by now

there are these two women that come to our store once a week and every week this conversation happens:

women: how much is a small icee?

me: $1.25

women: oh, are there free refills?

me: no

women: since when?

me: since before ive worked here and ive been here a few years

they frown and buy their icees, i'll see them next week for the same conversaton.

i was on break walking around the store not wearing my work shirt shopping. i get stopped by a guy :

guy: excuse me, do you work here?

i was surprised he asked since i was wearing a shirt that looked nothing like our store uniform shirt. i was tempted to say no but didnt want him giving me a hard time as soon as i was back on the floor for lying to him.

me: yes, but i cannot help you right now because i am not on the clock

guy: why not?

me: because state labor laws say i cant

guy: really?

me: yes, i have to go now

This woman comes up to me with these storage bins in her carriage. She tells me she bought them and when she got home the lids are two small. Before I could even speak she says "You're going to have to have someone go get me some that fit. While waiting for the lids she tells me that she would have gone to get them herself, but she has back problems. So maybe you shouldn't have lifted them from your car and put them in a carriage. I call someone from that department only to be told we don't have anymore. She gets as fussy as a three year old who hasn't had a nap and wants my manager. So I get a manager. She stands there arguing with him say things like "It's not my fault this happened, blah, blah, blah." Well, yeah. It is actually. Because if you had matched up the lids before you left, you wouldn't be having this problem now. Anyway she rants on and on and asks for my manager's manager. She arrives and tries to smooth the situation over. Doing the whole "We're sorry about this." COME ON! Don't apologize for her stupidity and irresponsibility.

do not ask me about my tattoos if you are a moron

...and don't recognize the symbol.

I'm happy to answer questions about my piercings, tattoos, hair do's...whatever. My car symbol tattoos, however, I'm a little anal retensive about, because I feel like in the tattoo world, most people know if you have a car tattoo, it's for a good reason like you had a bad car accident, an incredibly good car, or someone you know died in a car accident (like my father). People who don't get this are morons on my books.

Chick: "Can I see your wrist tattoo, is it a Celtic symbol?"
Me: "No, it's the Toyota symbol."
Chick: "Oh."
My brain: YUP, AND THE OTHER ONE'S A CROSS" (not a chevy symbol)



Other good ones I've gotten, and answered..

"What happens if you're next car is a Ford?"
Me: "Well I guess I'll have to get a ford symbol tattooed on my right ass cheek/forehead!!"

"You like Chevys and Toyotas, huh?"
Me: "...."



Wow...that dumb? I'd rather get "I like your tattoo" and have someone be ignorant and think it's something else, rather than ask and rather offend me.

not funny just odd...

the other day while gathering carts there was one that contained a large trash bag full of assorted womens shoes, a bit strange in and of itself but it's the third time it's happened in the last few weeks. what the hell would possess someone to do such a thing even once let alone repeatedly? would it not be easier to throw them away or donate them?

a few years ago, a kid fell face flat out of a carriage. our supervisor at the time told us to ask all parents to have their children stay seated in the carriages.
so i was ringing up this lady who had three kids in the carriage. none of them were staying seated. i politely asked the lady to tell her kids to sit down, she gave me the nastiest look and after i rung her stuff up, she went to my supervisor and accused me of being rude and slamming her objects into bags.
the next woman i rang up was her friend, she asked me if i was always this polite, i said i try. she told me i should try harder cause i was a bitch. then b-lined it to the same supervisor who was dealing with the other woman and also accused me of slamming her objects.

well i guess it took looking at the security tapes to determine that these two ladies were both just out to get me cause i was doing my job.

if you don't like our coffee? why do you always buy it?

there's a woman who often comes to our store to buy a senior coffee. if its not a regular food service worker, she'll con them into believing our cappuccinos and hot chocolates are part of the senior coffee perk. no, you bought a senior coffee, not a senior cappuccino or a senior hot chocolate. well needless to say, she never likes our coffee, cappuccino or hot chocolate, and complains about it.
i caught her last time trying to get a cappuccino but did not say anything because she had gotten it while i was on break. the poor girl who dealt with her didn't realize that cappuccino did not count as a senior coffee, so when the woman complained she told her to wait for me to get back. i get back and my coworker explained to me the situation. i told her that the woman should not have gotten a cappuccino in the first place. i did not realize the woman was a constant offender.
there was nothing wrong with the cappuccino machine, she was just an idiot.
well anyways, yesterday i come back over to the food area while i was on my break to tell my coworker that i was going to ask our supervisor if she could stay over there longer so i could get things done. big mistake, i come over to find that same woman complaining about coffee again. well atleast she got a 'senior' coffee this time. as soon as she saw me she pointed at me and said "you usually make the coffee, why are there so many coffee grinds in the coffee? this is disgusting!" i actually did not make the coffee, new guy did and he probably didn't notice. she demanded i made new coffee. i told her i couldn't because i was not working. i told her if the grinds were an issue she could try filtering them out, she turned that idea down because i guess the coffee was 'too dark'. she kept insisting that i was the one to help her, i told her over and over again i couldn't cause i was not working and then left. i guess she ended up getting a food refund but it agravated me because she has done this multiple times. the icing on the cake was when she was telling other customers that they shouldn't buy our coffee as we were making a new batch.

habitual offenders

There's these two women who pull the same routine every time. One buys stuff than constantly tries to return it without a receipt. It always winds up turning into an ordeal. Today, she came in and has done so many non receipt returns, she couldn't do it. Guess who had to break the news to her? The trainee that was up there. Then there's the other one that always buys clearance stuff. So when she returns it, someone has to match up all the new clearance tags or has to defect the stuff out. When one is doing the job of three people already, this the last thing they need.

i could hear this from our electronics dept. it was a little girl and her dad.
girl: UH OH...daddy i gotta go!!
dad: WHAT!? IS THIS A JOKE!?
girl: NO!! HURRY DADDY!!!

the guy booked it to the bathroom with his shopping cart with the little girl panicking in the cart about going in her pants. i think they made it ok.

a couple came over to order food from our cafe area. they asked if they could order hot dogs. i appoligized and said that the hot dog machine was broken so we couldn't sell hot dogs. they then asked to order sausage. i once again pointed out (this time pointing to the machine that cooks hot dogs and sausages which had nothing on it) and explained that the machine is broken so we were unable to make any. they then stormed off as if it was my fault the machine was broken.

i was finishing up a transaction for a lady and her (i'm guessing 3 years old) daughter. after everything was said and done, the lady told her daughter to thank the lady (me).

"THANKYOU DADDY!!!" the little girl exclaimed with a huge smile on her face.
"woah! that's not daddy!" the woman told her daughter and i burst out laughing.

yeah, apparently either i'm a dad, the girl has a dad that looks like me, or the girl doesn't know what her dad looks like.

i rung up a guy who was buying a birthday card for his dad. it was a card that looked like a beer mug. i chuckled at it and told the guy he had good taste in birthday cards and sent him on his way.

about maybe an hour or two later, i get called over because i got a telephone call.

"who the hell would call me at work?" i wondered to myself and picked up the call

"hello?"

"hey its keith (i forget his name), i bought the beer birthday card."

"oooh yeah, i remember you..."

"so i was wondering what you were doing when you get out of work...wanna go out for dinner or something?"

"um yeah... i've got...plans. with. my. boyfriend." (i didn't really my boyfriend at the time was living in new york, but i felt it necessary to make it clear i was taken)

"ohh, well if that ever changes give me a call here's my number *gave me his number*"

"ok, great...thanks" *hang up*

i never wrote down his number, nor have i ever seen nor heard from him again after that moment. he had balls to call up a store to ask out a girl he just barely met, i'll give him that but that was pretty weird.

i didn't even know we carried these

this father and 10 yr old son were putting items on the belt as i was ringing them in. after everything was said and done, i told the man the total price to which he looked puzzled by how expensive it turned out to be. he asked me what was so expensive that he bought. i started reading off the items he bought, shoes, deodorant, handsaw. he stopped me at handsaw.

"i did not buy a handsaw, how did a handsaw get into my carriage?"

at that point his son looks up at him with a grin and goes "don't worry daddy, i'll pay you back!"

the man stood there dumbfounded at what his son just said, recomposed himself and told his son he was not getting a handsaw.

well needless to say, his son was not pleased at this and started throwing a temper tantrum. the man threatened his son that he would be punished if he did not knock it off. he then apologized to me for his son causing a scene and as he was leaving said "what the fuck is a 10 year old going to do with a handsaw anyway!?"

an elderly woman wanted to return a pack of undies because she did not want colorful ones, she wanted neutral ones but she bought the color ones because we were currently out of stock for neutral ones (why didn't she just wait for us to carry the one she wanted in the first place). i guess according to her, she had been attempting to just buy neutral undies for a while. she brought me both packages and asked if she could just swap them.

i told her she needed a receipt for an even exchange. she told me she lost the receipt a while back and that she just wanted the other package. i asked her how she had payed for it and she said cash so the only thing i could do now is return the other pair with her drivers license.

it also did not help that the woman was hard of hearing so i had to say everything twice loudly. anyways she goes into her purse and pulls out a library card or something that wasn't a drivers license or a state id. i told her again i needed a drivers license.

"OH THEY TOOK THAT AWAY FROM ME YEARS AGO!" she exclaims. *facepalm* i shrugged my shoulders and just let her take the other pair cause my supervisor gave the ok.

i once had a guy come up to me a the service desk asking me to call him a cab. i asked him if he had the number for the cab service and he was like "i dunno dude, i'm on a completely different planet right now" at that point i sighed and pulled out the phonebook to find him a cab.

from the cashier who didn't know purchase orders even existed anymore.

The other day I spent 40 minutes with a couple of customers who were using purchase orders. It was about half an hour before my shifted ended that they came to my register with two TWO DEUX 2 II (2) carriages full of CRAP. They had three purchase orders of $200 or something that they could not go over...meaning they had to do three separate transactions. Purchase orders must be so out of date, these people did not know how to use them properly either.

In order for me to process this purchase order, I got my supervisor, who also did not know how to do a purchase order. She had to go find a BOOK on it, or something. So I started ringing up these people's stuff...which I guess they should have prioritized what they wanted. I brought an order up to around $200, and suspended it, to start on the next one.

My supervisor came back, with this BOOK which actually had a barcode in it that I scan and it makes a purchase order. With said supervisor, was also another, and a cashier who's training to become a supervisor. We did the order I was currently working on, and then went back to do the one I suspended. When we scanned the suspend slip, a receipt which had 21 items on it, and was around the said $200 spending budget, only had one item on it for $24.99. Um, WTF? The people had already put this stuff in the carriage, all mixed in with the other stuff. So we (me and the three supervisors) had to go through all the bags and decide what was already paid for and what was not. We found all the stuff...what we found, did not equal what was on the suspend slip...not even close. We said, "oh well," and scanned more stuff to make it $200.

It's now the end of my shift, and I am still playing this game.

Onto the third purchase order, they had too much CRAP they still needed and could not decide what they wanted to purchase and not purchase. This is the best part...

THEY WANTED TO TAKE STUFF OFF THE PURCHASE ORDERS ALREADY MADE, TO MAKE ROOM FOR THIS CRAP THEY STILL WANTED.

No can do. They did not understand, and of course me neither, really, because in my three years of retail experience, I had never done a purchase order. Apparently you can't void a purchase order. They didn't understand this, and asked several times more. Somehow it was my fault, of course, because it's never the customer's fault. Ten minutes go by, and they get frustrated, and just take what they've paid for and leave.

I get "great job." Go home. Drink Parrot Bay.

today while wandering the outside of the mall as i do, a woman stopped me to ask directions. she was standing at the curb and pointed at the storefront pictured and asked "is that panera?"

after a breif moment of dumbfounded silence the following conversation occurred:

-"no, it isn't"

-"are you sure?"

-"yeh, i'm pretty sure"

-"how can you tell?"

-"i gotta go"

at wich point i wandered off as she continued to talk but i was no longer paying attention.

that being said, there was another woman who tried to return something from a few months ago and when i told her that her reciept had expired she was like "I DIDN'T KNOW RECIEPTS CAN EXPIRE!!"

a customer tried to return an item from three years ago. i asked her if she had realized this and her answer was "oh! well i found it when i was cleaning out my closet." i told her we couldn't take it back because her reciept was way too old and the item was no longer in our system. to this she stormed off pissed.

and then there's the uber ghetto people who bring a bunch of stuff up to the register and then they don't want half of it cause its over $5

this one time i was closing my register and a customer started walking into it. i said, "i'm sorry mam, but i'm closed." she replied, "oh that's ok!" and started putting her items down on the belt. to this i responded, "no, mam. this register is closed and i'm going home." and walked off.

if i had a dollar for everytime a person didn't understand how to use their debit as a credit card because they didn't read the bottom of the screen, i'd be rich

i hate

people who ask you when youre standing at a register with your light on if your open. of course the second you close your register to go either on break or home, they will come right to your register in a heartbeat assuming you are open for business.

so a customer walks up to me and asks "excuse me, do you work here?" to this i am always tempted to reply "no, i just like to pretend i do and dress like someone who does." to make things even better after i say yes, they ask me where the bathroom is, to which i have to point directly behind them because they are standing infront of it