disclaimers on children.

I wish there was a disclaimer on children that would allow me to refuse a guest with spoiled children. "No, sorry your children are twots."

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Cat got your…?

A trashy-looking man approached the register mumbling loudly and not quite making words.

Me: I’m sorry sir?

Customer: (mumbles something incoherently)

Me: Sir…?

Customer: OOULGH UUNGH!

Me: I’m sorry?

Customer: OOULGH UUNGH! OOULGH UUNGH!

Me: Are you saying… “no tongue?”

And sure enough, the customer opened his mouth as wide as he could, revealing that he had, in fact, no tongue.

And then the smell hit me.

I was reminded of the Simpsons episode where someone asks Barney whet crawled in his mouth and died, and his sincere response is, “It didn’t die.”

I don’t know if the loss of a tongue causes a medical condition where you have zombie breath, but the unrelenting odor that came out of his mouth was that of a decaying corpse. Maybe he just said “Fuck it, I’m not getting laid anyway,” and stopped brushing his teeth after he lost his tongue. I gagged and didn’t stop gagging until he left the store.

Good advice

I work at a liquor store. My co-worker is a 50 year old, 6 foot 2 ex-janitor who was forced into an early retirement. He’s not a happy guy. It’s also very much illegal for us to allow anyone to walk out of the store with booze after 11 p.m. (because the liquor laws in Massachusetts are insane). So when a customer came in 5 minutes after we closed…

Late Customer: Wait, wait! I just need one thing!

Co-worker: (Yelling) GO KILL YOURSELF!

The customer ran away screaming. The backroom dude and me couldn’t stop laughing.

best repeat questions of the day:

"do you have any of the 40inch tvs in you black friday ad in stock yet?"

"Do you have any of the acer netbooks that are in your flier this week?" which were on sale for $179 and have been since Sunday, followed by "will you be getting any more in by the end of the sale?" not likely since it the last day of the sale, or "What do you mean i cant get a rebate" and best of all

"Is there any way i can put one of the tvs in your black Friday ad on hold so i dont have to wait?"

No means no

Customer: Can I ask you a question?

Me: No. I am on break.

Customer: It will only take a second.

Me: I am not allowed to assist with anything while I am on break.

Customer: I just have a general question

Me: Sorry. No. There are other employees on duty that can assist you.

And they proceed to pester me until I walk away or half ass point in a general direction

Really, what don't they get about being on break and not working.

This lady comes up to me and hands me a bag of open candy. She tells me she opened it to try it and it was gross and proceeds to walk away. Odd, I didn't know we were offering free samples now.

this car and my brief conversation with the little old couple who own it kinda made my day yesterday.

Anything goes

So one of the new guys was ringing up a game for a lady and her daughter the lady hands him a coupon, he tries to scan it in and it was rejected, so he turns to me. As im looking over the coupon to see why the lady in her infinite wisdom says "it says anything goes so why anything goes". To which i replied "ma'am Anything goes is a board game over in the toys department i can go get it for you if you would like". All upset know she replies "never mind i dont want it its too expensive" and it was only a $5 off coupon that was ripped from the board game page in the flyer. gotta love common fuckin sense

when an 85 yr old man is buying tighty whities with skull print patterns on them, you arent allowed to say anything

pee on the toilet seat in the WOMENS' bathroom.

Seriously, what the fuck? I know toilet seats can be gross in stores, and you squat...but why not clean your mess afterward? You wouldn't like it at your own home, don't do it to the throne I piss on at least once a day 5 days a week! What makes you think I honestly want to find it when I go to pee? WIPE THAT SHIT UP.

cold food.

They should put a disclaimer on the coolers in the market section that say, "TAKE ME OUT OF THIS COOLER, YOU BUY ME. All who choose not to follow said rule are sacrificed to Marduk."


The moral of the story, it pisses me off so much to find cold food stuck in a soda cooler, or a guest comes all the way to the register and hands me ice cream and says, "Oh, I'm not going to get this."

WE THROW IT OUT. Dumpster Divers take notice.

of no real importance but i find as time goes on this song is the one stuck in my head more and more often.

This one rocket scientist calls the desk to ask how to get from one mall to ours. The whole phone call was an ordeal. My name tag doesn't say Tom Tom, so don't ask me for directions dingbat. Hell, even a computerized GPS would get ticked off at her.

Where is the other one?

A customer wants to exchange a defective item. I tell he she can go to the sales floor get the one she wants, but she needs to take the one she already purchased with her and bring it back to the desk with the new one since we cannot leave paid stuff up there. She comes back with the just the new one. If there is a way I can explain this any clearer can someone let me know?

Why do some people chew gum like they were raised by cows? Sorry, I take that back. Cows actually chew with more manners than this one girl I had to deal with.

You figured out how to dial the phone...

the people at the home for the dumb must be so proud. I, however, am not so thrilled. Every person that called the desk today was a moron. So much so I think I have become allergic to stupid. Seriously. Every time they called and said something stupid I started sneezing.

this woman brings me her items, her reciept, and the sale tag from the sales floor. she tells me she got mischarged for two of her items. i try to quickly adjust the price, the register glitches and instead of giving her a refund total, tries to charge her $1.06. i call over the supervisor who said he had the same problem and instead to ring it in as a coupon. well something about that pissed this woman off so much she returned everything she bought telling me we were wasting her time. i told her she was wasting the food cause we had to defect all of it out. stupid.

i like when people think we are a different store. nope.

this woman came up to the service desk in tears saying her car and kids were missing . so we called security and the cops and got her plates and whatnot. she claimed she sent her kids out to see if her car go towed or not and she couldnt find them or the car and she didnt know how to use her cellphone either to call them. well long story short. the car was still there, the kids were there, she was crazy and they sent her back to the mental hospital.

why do you care if i know this person and who are you?

i rung up this guy in his 40-50s and he asked if i knew this girl and i said i did and he was like "i figured as much and left" who the hell just randomly assumes i know someone. he didnt even explain who he was and when i asked the person who he asked about they had no idea who they were and was creeped out. someone has a stalker

a woman was paying for a $10 item and gave me a $100. as soon as i opened my drawer, i realized i didnt have the change to break her $100. i saw she had some smaller bills and explained my situation and asked if she could give me anything smaller. she told me she couldnt because she was taking a cab. i told her she would have to wait then for my manager to bring me the proper change. she seemed peeved that she was going to risk missing her cab but if she was that concerned she would have had the cab driver break the $100, not me. she luckilly cheered up as soon as i gave her the proper change.

i went to give this woman her reciept and she snapped at me and told me she didnt want it. i pointed out that a) security could stop her without one and b) since sher payed cash she would not be able to get any refunds except store credit if she wanted to return anything. this pissed her off more so i said "fine, dont plan on returning anything"

A woman wants to know where shoe polish is. I tell her. She looks at me with this snotty expression and says " I highly doubt that's where it is." Ok, if you think you know where it is, just go there and leave me the hell alone. I don't get paid enough to deal with your attitude.

Are you sure it's yours?

When someone comes up to the desk and asks if I had a cellphone, car keys, or other item of value turned in I ask them to describe it. For two reasons. 1. Any given day we have several sets of keys, cellphones, etc up there. 2. I am not going to just hand over a phone or set of keys. So why is it when I ask them to describe their stuff, they can't. They see their cellphone everyday, same with their car keys and maybe their sunglasses. Yet they don't know what it looks like. Maybe it's me, but I can give a very detailed description of my property. I could even draw a picture if you want.

The Security Beep Phone Deactivation Mechanisms of Doom

This guy and girl come through my line, and buy a verizon prepaid phone. I activate it...regular procedure...honestly you can't sell a phone if it isn't activated, there's no mistakes unless you never ring up the damn thing...the register won't let you. People leave. Come back five minutes later.

"We just walked through the doors and the things beeped."
Me: "Don't worry about it, you're all set."

Those doors go off because of ANYTHING...piercings, jewelry, keys, ect... whenever they want. Sometimes they like me, sometimes they don't...personal experience.

Pardon horrible dialogue memory today, but basically they were paranoid that the beep deactivated this phone they bought and insisted that they'd had this problem before, and this was the second or third phone they had tried to buy from our store.

Yeah...um...ok. SURE.

so is the day that daylight savings time ends the day of horribly foul mooded people or is it just me?

so we have recently put a "people proofer" (barrier between customers and pizza so that they cant just grab the pizzas) up. people still try to grab pizzas anyway. we tell them no and explain why and ythey buy pizza and whatnot. ok anyways, we had one woman attempt to grab pizza and we told her we would give her the pizza as soon as she bought it. "YOU MEAN I HAVE TO PAY FOR THIS FIRST!?" she yelled thenstormewrd off. jeesh, whatd she think she was gonna get it for free?

If one more person tells me to not put defective items back on the sales floor, I will scream. I get the fact you got a damaged item. I understand that maybe it had been returned before and whomever did the return may not have checked it. But do not assume A. I am the person responsible or B. I am the type of person who doesn't check the items. Especially if I have already checked it, am defecting it out, and I am putting it in a bin to be destroyed. And do not keep repeating over and over that the item is broken. I heard you the first 100 times you said it.

so i'm stocking condiments in an ocd manner so that they'll look nice instead of as if someone just grabbed a handfull of them and placed them in their compartment. some lady looks at me as she's getting her coffee:
lady: why are you doing that? you realize its just going to be messed up
me: oh i know, but its a great way to kill time